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Jokes Humour from around the Interwebz
* I asked my friend to rate my listening skills and they said "You're an 8 on a scale of 10." - Really don't understand why they told me to urinate on a skeleton.
* I received a letter from Screwfix thanking me for my inquiry and informing me that they are not a dating agency.
* School taught me a lot of stuff but mostly it taught me how to get ready in 15 minutes.
* People too weak to follow their own dreams will always find a way to discourage yours.
* A platypus went into a hotel owned by a duck. Platypus ate food. Duck billed platypus.
* I accidentally handed my friend a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
* I was about to do something awesome again, but I told myself enough is enough, that's plenty of awesome for one day.
* My brain boots up in the morning like a 10 year old PC that frequents gambling and adult websites
* If you think that alcohol isn't the answer - you probably don't know what the question is !
* The fact that there is a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about projected traffic numbers
* There are two types of people in the world: 1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
* There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary and those who don't.
* My wife calls me Spider Man ... because I can't get out of the bath unassisted.
* Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes. first was in beer, the second was in wine, the third was in whiskey and the fourth was in mineral water. The next day, the teacher shows the results: first, second, third worms were dead, and the fourth was alive and kicking. The teacher asks the class "What do we learn from this experience ?" and a young lad responded with "Whoever drinks beer, wine or whiskey doesn't have worms"
Subject: Aircraft Maintenance. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the complaints prior to the aircraft's next flight, the maintenance crews are required to log the details of action taken.
(P) is the problem submitted by the pilots.
(S) is the solution and action taken by maintenance engineers.
P - Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P - Test flight OK except auto-land very rough.
S - Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P - #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S - #2 propeller seepage normal. #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.
P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.
P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.
P - Dead bugs on wind-shield.
S - Live bugs on back-order.
P - Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P - IFF inoperative.
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That's what they're there for.
P - Number three engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.
P - Target Radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
A plane crashes on a desert island. There are only a few survivors, 3 Spanish people, 3 French people and an Englishman. 6x months later one of the Spanish men has eaten the other Spanish man and is now living with the Spanish woman, the 3 French people have decided to become a threesome and the Englishman is still waiting to be introduced to the others.